You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize