Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
please come you make the beer taste better
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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