FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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