Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
