remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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