worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize