remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
