I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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