Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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