I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
