I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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