I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
