I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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