I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
