remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
