I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
