Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize