I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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