shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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