I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You don't make any sense
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