I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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