would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
