So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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