I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
