Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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