I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
