I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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