don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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