you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
