I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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