Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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