areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
