I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
