he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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