Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
