My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Houston, we have a blender
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
