I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize