Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
