Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
