remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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