I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
