Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
