textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
