I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This baby is an asshole
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
