I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
