I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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