What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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