Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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