It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
