defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
