On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
