even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
