somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
