Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
