I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
