this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
